I had an interesting conversation with Shy the other day. He found me outside (even brought me cocoa!) and I think that we're coming to an understanding. I wanted to wait and see how it went for a few days before I officially put anything in writing. I hate thinking that something's going to go a certain way and then having to fess up that things are in the shithole.
Anyway, here I am with an update on Shy and the state of our relationship. Shy told me he was afraid that I was going to be completely turned off by him after he told me what Kevin did to him. That's what he gave as the reason for the cold shoulder I was given after I thought that we'd started healing our relationship the first time. We'd started on the road to mending things when he decided to write to me. Over the course of that correspondence, he opened up to me. It was that baring of his soul that made him shut me out again. His own embarrassment and shame at what I knew made him want to reject me before I could reject him. Of course, he didn't express this to me in those exact words, but a few more conversations have given me that impression. I asked about his original problem with me, and he reiterated that it was his own fear of lashing out at me combined with being reminded of Kevin that made him afraid to have me around. Whatever it was inside his head that made him convince himself to cut me out of his life, it seems to have been brought under control for the time being. That's not to say that we're cuddling and holding hands or anything like that, but I can feel that I'm regaining his trust. I hope that one day that trust will give way to affection and he'll love me again.
He has told me he missed me and wants to spend time with me the way he spends time with Orlando (well, not exactly like that. We'll be platonic). It's so strange to feel as if I'm letting him get to know me again. I suppose I'm getting to know him again, too. I don't have the joy of picking up where I left off the way Orlando does, but I'm honestly grateful that one of us has his boy back. I don't know what I'd do if he'd shut out the both of us. But I'm working with what I have and every now and then I see a spark of the sweet, loving man he was with me before everything that happened. I really, really hate to sound as if I'm whining, but I wonder if it would have been easier for me if he kept shutting me out. To have him be so close but only treating me like a friend kind of hurts. It's better than nothing, yes, but I had everything and it's not fair I don't have it back, too. I'm not jealous of what Orlando has with him. I swear I'm not. I'm just angry that it feels as if I'm being punished and the most important man in my life doesn't care. Notice I said feels. I know that Orli cares and wants us to be back to normal. I just find it hard to remember that when he's going on with Shy as if everything's fine just because it's fine for him. But what would I want instead? To feel like it's this huge elephant in the room and I should turn a spotlight on the problems Shy's having with me? That would make the kid feel worse and probably lead to some resentment. I can't even turn to Peter for a little comfort because he's got some new person I can tell he's pretty taken with and won't want to hear me whining when he can be paying attention to someone else. Legolas has listened to me whine enough to last a lifetime. His lifetime. That's a loooooooooooong time.
Can someone who's seen me naked please remind me my feelings matter? No? Okay, that's cool. I'm going for a run because I'm feeling a bit off right now.