I did what you said. I don't know if you meant for me to yell at Kevin inside my head or out so I went outside where I could be alone and yelled out loud when I heard him in my head. Maybe it's my imagination because I want it so bad but I think it made him go away faster than usual. I cursed at him and told him I was glad he was dead and I wasn't going to let him control my life anymore. He was quiet after that.
I forgot to tell you that I joined a forum for rape survivors. Tom told me about it. If you're still having problems maybe you should join too. They also have forums for people who love rape survivors. I've only introduced myself and talked to one of the moderators. I told him I'd post again when I needed to but I haven't yet. I'm trying to work this through by myself. And with you and Tom and Orlando. I guess that isn't really by myself is it? I suppose what I mean is I want to work it out with the people who are close and who care about me.
Tell me what he did to you when he hurt you. You told me he assaulted you but that doesn't tell me anything. Tell me what he did to you and I'll tell you what he did to me. I haven't told anyone everything. Hardly anything really. Maybe it's easier to write it down than say it to someone's face.
I might call you one of these days.
I miss you too.
P.S. The X's are kisses. You know friendly ones because I miss you.
Any way you want to deal with your thoughts of Kevin is perfectly fine, sweetheart. I'm just happy to hear that something's working for you. It sounds like that forum could be a lot of help for you, too. Maybe you should think about giving it another shot and see how it goes. If you give me the information, I might check it out myself, if you'd be all right with that. It's fine if you wouldn't be comfortable with me hanging around there.
When I saw Kevin for the last time, he was very angry. He had found out that I was seeing Orlando, even though the two of us hadn't really done anything as yet. He had us followed and had pictures of us spending time together. When he showed them to me, he hit me. He beat me after that. He punched and kicked me for I don't know how long. When I tried to run from him, he caught me, held me down on the ground and raped me pretty viciously. He beat me after that until I passed out. I don't know what he did to me when I was unconscious, but I was still bleeding from the rape when they took me to the hospital. I don't know what other details you want.
I would love to hear your voice, sweetheart.
And thank you for the kisses.
I hope you don't mind if I don't tell you where the forum is. I know that you want to be there to help me and I said it could help you too but I want to keep it separate from all of you. I might give it another shot. I'll let you know if I do. I kind of feel like I want everyone to stop talking about it and stop asking me how I'm doing. I know everyone means well but I want to forget it and not talk about what happened on most days. But at the same time I want to talk about everything that happened. I'm really confused. I don't want to tell Orli stuff because I know he'll get angry with Kevin and hurt and that won't serve any purpose. I don't want to see him upset. Telling him will serve no purpose.
Thank you for telling me about your attack. I don't know what I expected you to tell me and I think I wanted to hear something because you can understand being his victim. He hurt you when he had sex with you because you didn't want it. That happened to me too. The first time he put something in my chocolate milk to make me go to sleep. When I woke up I didn't have any clothes on and my mouth and throat really hurt. I was dirty like he came on me a lot of times and left me like that. The next time he told me to take the pills otherwise I'd have to stay awake for everything he wanted to do to me. When I woke up I had bite marks on my thighs and stomach. My arse felt like he hadn't just used himself to have sex with me if you understand my meaning. My bollocks ached like mad. Every time Will. Every time I woke up I felt like he'd beaten me or let his mates have a go. It didn't seem possible for one man to do that much. I started asking to stay awake after that. Figured he wouldn't hurt me as much if I could react y'know? Told him I was wanting to see if I'd enjoy it and he believed me. Part of me even did start to like it and let him do whatever he wanted. Some of it was pretty disgusting and I took it. He treated me like filth. I don't even know if I can tell you all of that because I can't help feeling so ashamed that I let him do it all to me. How could I like it? I thought I could love him because he told me no one else wanted me. I should be hating me right? I'm so messed up and I have no clue how to fix it. I wanted to die. Sometimes I still want to die. I want to kill myself and leave you and Orlando to each other. You'd be all right without me. You'd get over it. And I wouldn't have to keep remembering what he did to me.
I don't think I'll call tonight. I'm tired.
ooc: The following scene took place after Will received Shy's letter. Clearly, Orlando would have no knowledge of this, but it occurred before Will wrote again:
Will had started crying as he read Shy's description of the things Kevin had done to him. As for the things Shy was too ashamed to discuss, Will knew exactly what they were. There were some envelopes that Kevin had always wanted to push with him, but Will had always stood firm, finding them not to be anything in which he was even remotely interested. But Kevin had done them to his sweet boy. The anger that quickly replaced the tears and began to rise inside Will at the thought of that monster befouling his and Orlando's sweet Shy pulsed inside his head, making him want to scream with the rage and injustice of it all. Even death was too good for the bastard, and no amount of torture in hell would ever be enough to pay Kevin back for what he had done.
The indignation vanished, though, when he read about Shy's desire to die. He frantically checked the envelope for the postmark, praying that Shy wouldn't go through with it and that he could get in touch with him in time. Will knew that if Shy had tried to harm himself in the time it had taken for the letter to reach him, Orlando would have called. But he was still trying to hold back his panic as he dialed Shy's cell phone.
"Pick up, pick up," he muttered. A while ago, Orlando and Will had gotten Shy a new cell phone and had helped him to program unique rings for their calls so Shy would know when it was them. Now, he was regretting that decision, wondering if Shy would refuse to pick up if he knew it was Will calling.
Just when Will was sure the call would default to Shy's voicemail, a soft, familiar voice answered.
"Sweetheart, it's Will." He winced as soon as he said it, knowing that Shy knew very well who it was.
"Yeah, I know. What do you want?"
The cold edge to Shy's voice caught Will off guard, and he wondered if he'd made a mistake.
"I just read your letter," he started to explain, "and I was worried about you. I was worried about what you said."
"Why? What did I say?"
That was when Will noticed that Shy sounded kind of out of it, and he wondered if he was high. "Baby? Are you all right?"
"I'm just sleepy," Shy said, then yawned. "I was taking a nap."
That explained it, and Will felt tremendous relief that he was dealing with a grumpy Shy who'd had his sleep interrupted. That he could deal with because he knew how much Shy loved his sleeping time.
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. You go back to sleep, okay?"
"Not 'til you tell me what worried you," Shy said with a sigh. Will could hear some rustling and wondered if he was turning over on his bed.
"It's okay. You're okay. That's all--"
"Must have been important for you to call."
"You really don't remember what you told me?" Will was worried now, but for more reasons than before. If Shy couldn't remember the things he'd written or was in denial about them, that couldn't be a good sign.
"Shy, you said you wanted to die. You said you wanted to kill yourself so you could stop thinking about what Kevin did to you."
There was a minute of silence on the other end of the line, but Will knew Shy was still there. He could hear him breathing. Then he realized that Shy was crying.
"Sweetie?" Will asked softly. "Baby, talk to me. Please."
"I...I can't," Shy whispered. "It's... I can write about it. I can't talk about it. I can't..."
"Shy, if you're feeling this way, you need to talk to someone. I don't care if it's me. Talk to Tom. Talk to Orlando. Just don't keep this locked up inside you like this. Please, baby."
"I can't!" Shy shouted at Will, taking him by surprise.
"O-okay," Will said, then something occurred to him. "Then... How about that forum? You said you'd talked to someone there. That would be like writing, wouldn't it? You could tell someone there how you're feeling. You wouldn't have to do it face to face."
"I... Maybe. I don't know. Maybe." Shy sniffed and exhaled sharply. "I want to go back to sleep, Will. I'll think about it when I wake up."
Will hated leaving it this way and thought about calling Orlando as soon as he'd hung up with Shy.
"Don't tell Orli, 'kay?" Shy said, as if reading Will's mind. "Don't want to worry him."
"Right...okay," Will said slowly, not sure if he should keep this from his husband. But if he wanted Shy to trust him, he might just have to. "But... Oh, baby, please write me back when you get my next letter."
"I will. I like writing you." Another yawn and another sigh, then Shy said, "Bye, Will. Love you."
Will's heart swelled with love for Shy at the words, but he thought about chalking them up to him being so sleepy and out of it.
"Love you, too, darling," he said softly before ending the call.