I thought you'd be mad. I'm glad you weren't. Can't figure out why you wouldn't be. I'll write more later when I have more to say.
The brevity of your last letter made me smile. It's so you to be a man of few words, succinct and tidy in your correspondence. Unlike yours truly. And as for wondering why I wasn't angry with your letter, the answer is simple. I love you and anger has no place in any of this for me.
How have you been, sweetheart? I know what you wrote me before, and I know what Orlando tells me when I call, but I'd like for you to tell me how you're really, truly doing. I worry about you so much.
Things here are quiet. Legolas is excellent company but I worry that I'm keeping him away from more important things than babysitting me. But I'm not sure I could be alone. I also like the fact that he stays with you when Orlando visits me. I know you have Tom there, as well, but that extra layer of safety eases my mind. I'm not sure how I'll ever be able to repay what he's done for us.
I should go before I keep rambling. See what I mean about my definite lack of brevity?
Take care, my love, until I hear from you again.
What did you mean when you said there's no place for anger in this? Does that mean you don't think I should be angry? You don't know what I went through because of you. You're lucky I don't hate you.
And I know you blame your loneliness on me. You don't have to rub it in that I'm ruining things for you.
Please don't be upset with me, baby. I wasn't talking about you being angry. You have every right in the world to be angry about what happened to you. What I meant was I don't really have any right to be angry. Not with you, so I never would be. I do have to admit that I am angry about other things, though. I'm angry at Kevin. I hate what he did to you. I hate that I couldn't stop him from doing it and I'm angry with myself for that. Part of me even hates that he's dead because it means I can't confront him about what he did to you. Trust me, my love, I'm more angry than anyone knows, but I only meant as it applies to you. I'm sure I worded it badly, but I need for you to know that I'm telling you the truth.
I don't blame my being lonely on you, either. I'm not lonely, sweetheart. I'm not alone. I was only trying to express how much it meant for me to have Legolas here. You've been with him, so you can understand, can't you? Sometimes I'm sad because I'm not with you and Orlando, yes, but there isn't any blame to pass around for that fact. You need time to work through all of this and that's what I want to give you. Even if it's the only thing I can offer you, I want to do it. I won't lie. It's not easy to be separated from my home and the men I love. But it isn't the end of the world. I was only trying to tell you what I was thinking because I wanted to share something, anything, with you. It was never my intention to make you feel any worse than you already do. Maybe this is a sign that I should share something more substantial with you if we're really going to start communicating.
I wasn't entirely honest in my last letter, Shy. Rather, I omitted something that would have addressed something you said, and I want to talk about it now. You mentioned that you were sad that Kevin was dead and didn't think that was fair. I agree, it's not fair that he toyed with your mind so much, you could actually be sad that he is dead. But I have to tell you that you're wrong about me not being sad, too. I know that I've only given you a very basic description of my relationship with Kevin, and I did not go out of my way to make it sound like anything but unpleasant. The truth is that while things ended very badly - horrifically, really - they started wonderfully. He was charming and funny, handsome and giving, incredibly sexy and considerate in bed, the kind of man I thought I'd been waiting for my entire life. I loved him, Shy, and I know that he loved me. I gave my heart to him and by the time I started to see a darker side to the kind of man he was, it was too late for me to leave him. It wasn't until I met Orlando that I found the strength to leave. Orlando knew that Kevin was abusive and he persuaded me to get out of that relationship. If not for Orlando, I would still be in Seattle with Kevin, I'm sure. Or dead. That notwithstanding, Kevin's death has brought back every good memory I have of the man, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. My heart is aching for the love we had and the beautiful man who got lost somewhere along the way. I wouldn't know how to tell Orlando this, but I'm telling you because I want you to know that you are not alone. I promise you, sweetheart, no matter what you think of me, I am going to be here for you as long as you will have me. I know that you love Orlando more and married him because you love him so much, but don't forget that I love you.
I'm sorry this turned out to be such a long letter, but it's important to me that I make myself clear and let there be no doubt in your mind that I want to help you in any way I can.
Take care, sweetheart.
I'm sorry I got mad before. I can't think about anything without feeling mad. The only time I'm not is when Orli's hugging me or I'm talking to Tom. I didn't know that you felt bad about Kevin's death. I didn't know any of the stuff you told me about. How come you don't want to tell Orlando? I think he'd understand. I knew I loved him before any of this happened but now I know just how much I love him. More important than that I know how much he really loves me. We haven't done anything in bed but kiss and he hasn't gotten mad or anything. I'm not able to be close to him without seeing Kevin right there. It's like he's in the room with us. I hear his voice in my head. He told me he loved me. He had me convinced he did.
When you were with him did he make you do things that made you feel bad about yourself after?
I'm sorry to hear that you feel angry all the time. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to try and deal with everything that happened to you, so I don't blame you one bit for feeling that way. But it worries me that you're feeling so badly. I hope that Tom is helping you to determine the best way to deal with all of the emotion you must have pent up inside you. If you ever want to talk to me, sweetheart, pick up the phone and call me. I won't do anything but listen to whatever you have to tell me. Remember that I'm here for you.
Kevin was a very manipulative man and I'm not surprised that he convinced you he loved you all the while he was abusing you. That's what he did to me. It happened so quickly and I was so taken with him, I felt as if I couldn't help myself. If you were in such an intense, frightening situation with him and he manipulated your emotions to make you think he cared for you, there is no one to blame but Kevin. When you start to hear his voice in your head, you just shout right back and tell him to go to hell. He could never deal with anyone standing up to him when they were angry, so keep that in mind. The only way he could have power over someone was through intimidation, but he could be just as intimidated by someone who stood up for himself. I know he's dead, but he's clearly not gone, so you stand up to him and tell him to leave you the hell alone.
I'm not sure what you're asking. There were things we did together that were mutual and I enjoyed very much. Some of them were things that someone else might find degrading or even perverted. But he didn't force me to do any of those things and I didn't feel bad afterwards. There is one thing he did to me when we were breaking up, and I told you about that. I felt sick afterwards, physically and emotionally, and I blamed myself for the way he hurt me. If that's what you're talking about, I'm not sure if writing about it can help you at all. I don't know what you want to hear. Please tell me so that I can give you what you need. If you need to tell me what he did to you, please do that, too. Anything to get that poison out of you so you can live your life, my love.
I miss you and I love you.