Shy had given Will his letters and allowed the other man to print out their emails and gather everything into a folder to share with Orli. Then, both of them agreed to leave him alone to read them at his leisure.
[ooc: These will be posted in parts so as not to make one huge post.]
I don't know if you're going to be surprised to get this. My guess is you will be because you think I hate you or something like that. Why else would I ask you to go away? Or maybe you think I'm scared of you and can't stand to have you around for that reason. I admit that I may have been scared at first. But it's not for the reason you think. I'm not scared of you. I couldn't ever be scared of you. Not really. I know you'd never hurt me. I know that what happened to me isn't your fault any more than it's Orli's. The problem is that while I know deep down that's true I can't convince myself it is. My head can't quite get around the fact that if not for you Kevin wouldn't have ever been in our lives.
It's like this. I can't look at you without seeing Kevin. I can't think about you without thinking about Kevin. I hate him for what he did to me. But I'm sad he's dead. I don't think you're sad and that's not fair. Why should I be the only one who's messed up enough to mourn him? He was never my fucking boyfriend. He was yours. You pissed him off. You left him. You're the one he should have taken. Not me. Why did he take me when I never did anything to him? I didn't even know him. I wish you had been the one left here alone when he came. You should have been the one on that boat. It would have been your punishment for what you did to him. He told me all about it. He told me how you cheated on him and lied about it and how he had you followed so he could get proof about what you did. He told me that you didn't want to try and work things out and when things got out of control he hurt you. Do you know that sometimes I thought that if you had only died that day I wouldn't have been tortured by him? Orlando and I would have still met and been happy from the very start without you to ruin everything. I'd think that and then feel like shit for thinking it about someone I love. I love you Will. But I can't stand to look at you. If you were standing in front of me I really think I could shoot you dead and not blink. It's fucked up. I couldn't live with myself if I did it but I think I could do it. I don't understand it. I hate feeling like this.
I don't want to say anything more. I've said too much. I'm sorry.
P.S. Please don't tell Orli about any of this. I might tell him myself but I don't want to know you're talking about me and this letter behind my back.
You're right that I was surprised to get your letter. But it was one of the most pleasant surprises I've gotten lately. I had been hoping you would reach out to me and now that you have, I need you to know that I appreciate it more than I can ever express. It means that we can work through this. No matter how long it takes, you and I will find our footing again and we will both have our lives back as best we can. I have to believe this, sweetheart, because you mean far too much to me for me to believe anything else.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about the night we spent together and how much that meant to me, as well. It was magical. I know that might sound corny, but that night with you is just as important to me as the first night I spent with Orlando. The two of you are my life. I love you so much, Shy. You and Orlando are so much a part of me, it kills me that I was unable to keep you both safe. I failed you. I failed Orlando. While he might not have been taken, he suffered tremendously when you were gone. It was a pain that cut so deeply, I wasn't able to comfort him completely. Nothing would have done that except for your safe return to us.
Shy, I would never deny you your right to feel the way you do, but I have to tell you that I don't think you would ever hurt me. I know you, darling, and there isn't any way you'd be able to do what you fear you would. I won't say anything more than that for now.
Thank you again for writing to me, sweetheart. And I promise I won't say a word to Orlando about anything you write me.