Will Porter (will_porter) wrote,
Will Porter

TM244. "That's something I think is growing on me as I get older: happy endings."

Wow, this is actually kind of cynical when you think about it. As if belief in happy endings can't be appreciated by the young. Forget growing older. I've always been a sucker for a happy ending. When I was a kid, I'd live for those goofy (as in the adjective, not the character) Disney movies where everything would turn out all right in the end. They gave me hope that there could be a happy ending for me no matter how desperate the present seemed to be. If I waited it out and kept believing things would change, they would. When I was seven, I had this fantasy about a strong, heroic man bursting through the front door, announcing he was my real father, and whisking my mom and me away to a new, happy life. That never happened, of course, but I kept that hope alive for years, sometimes to the point of actually telling my father he wasn't really my dad. That would usually end in a fight, but some of the time he'd just tell me he wished he wasn't my father.

As an adult, I went through a cynical patch when I realized that happy endings were only for fairy tales and the rest of us had to make our own happiness when we could. I was married to Talia at the time and finding it hard to be happy about anything. Looking back on it, I know it was because she wasn't the person I wanted to be with, but since I couldn't be with him, I had to learn to accept it and convince myself to love her. Believe it or not, I did love her, eventually. Even with her complaining and her haranguing, I still did all that I could to make our marriage a good one. Then Peter turned up in my life again and the illusion was shattered.

My best friend's return - no, I should stop calling it that. He never went anywhere. I'm the one who shut him out and turned my back on him. Our reunion came about because I sought him out after his lover died and he took me back into his life without pause. Anyway, when the two of us finally got back together after years apart, I thought that I was going to have a real happy ending. How could I not? I'd finally decided that I needed to live the life I'd been denying myself for so long. I was finally able to face just how deeply my feelings ran for Pete instead of running into the arms of a woman for the sake of proving to my father he was wrong about me and my "faggot tendencies." Pete and I would be together the way we should have been for all those years. It sounded good, anyway.

The problem with expectations is that they can often lead to disappointment. Yes, Peter was wonderful and ready to have a life with me despite the fact he'd just lost his longtime partner. He'd told me that his deceased lover, Kory, reminded him of me, so he'd spent years waiting for me in a way. It wasn't him. It was me. As much as I loved Peter, I wasn't ready to settle down without exploring this new part of my life. In other words, I wanted to screw around for a while. Peter agreed, and I honestly think he believed that I'd get it all out of my system and go back to him. I didn't. I think that still hurts him to this day. As awful I feel for hurting one of the most important men in my life, things couldn't have turned out any other way. We just weren't meant to spend the rest of our lives together as lovers. I'm never going to have second thoughts or regrets about that.

When I examine my life now, I know that everything that happened allowed me to be ready for Orlando to enter it. For the first time, the happy ending I was seeking was not only possible, but it was exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it.

You know what? I take back what I said about this quote being cynical. In a way, it took me getting older to really see what a happy ending should be. It's more than some childhood fantasy or something you force to happen. It's an ideal that surpasses anything I could have imagined. It's a real thing unto itself, my happy ending. I'm able to embrace and nurture it and keep it alive. I think that makes me an extremely lucky man.
Tags: dad, orlando, peter, talia, tmuse
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