Will Porter (will_porter) wrote,
Will Porter
will_porter

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CT51.3

"When you are in love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams."
-- Dr. Seuss



When Orlando and I first got together, I'd find myself staying awake as he fell asleep just so I could watch him sleeping. Now, I find myself doing that with Shy. And when I do finally fall asleep, sometimes I'll wake up to a pair of beautiful brown eyes looking at me as if I'm the most precious thing in the world. I can't describe what it feels like to be this loved or to feel this kind of love for others. No one can, and, lord knows, attempts been made to put love into words. It's impossible to do it justice. No matter how beautiful the prose may be, the fact remains that true love is beyond description.

Every moment I'm with Orlando and Shy is a blessing for me. I take such joy in the smallest of things, there are times I can't believe that it wasn't all that long ago I was certain it would all be over. I'm not sure if I've ever admitted this, but if things had continued to go down the path they were on, I was going to leave them both. I was going to give it so much time and then if it was still making me miserable to feel as if I didn't matter, I was going to divorce Orlando and let Shy have him. I can only say that now because there's no way I can see me ever doing that. My life is beautiful and it's getting better every day as Shy makes more progress.

I've found that I treat the relationships I have with my partners very differently. With Orlando, my love is very vocal, brash, bold. I put it all out there for the world to see. It's always been that way and I wouldn't change any of it for all the tea in our cupboards. I enjoy being so head over heels for him I need to shout it from the rooftops. He's mine, I belong to him, and that's how it should be. With Shy, though, I play my cards a little closer to the vest. I don't feel the need to share all the details of what we do or what I feel for him. It isn't only because things are still so fragile between us, but because I feel as if he needs that privacy. In Orlando's old life, he was a public figure, so it doesn't seem to me that he would mind me posting about how much I love to grab him and give his bottom a little bite when he's trying to get dressed in the morning. Or, if he does, he's never said anything. But Shy... Well, Shy has asked me not to be quite so vocal about my affection for him, and I can respect that. So, when I talk about things in our home and I only mention Orlando, it's not because I feel anything less for Shy. It's because I kind of feel like only the three of us need to know what goes on behind closed doors.

Yes, the reality of love is so much more than anything I could ever dream. To feel as if I have twice as much as most people have is beyond words and something I never expected.
Tags: couples therapy, orlando 09, shy 09
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