--Don Juan DeMarco
[locked from Shy and Orlando]
If someone had told me on my wedding day that I would come to love another man the way that I love my husband, I would have probably laughed in his or her face. Either that or get offended and not talk to them for a while. Oh, or I could have fretted over it and wondered if my wandering ways would come back to haunt me and make me cheat on Orli with someone else with whom I was madly in love. Any one of the above could have happened, that's all I'm saying. But back to my original point.
Loving more than one man at a time - I mean truly loving two people equally - seemed like an impossibility. If I was able to get past my own jealousy, I wouldn't want to betray the depth of my love for Orlando by letting someone else into our life together. In fact, I gave up the opportunity to be with someone else I fell in love with for those very reasons. There are days I regret it and it hurts to think about, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. He's now with the person he was meant to love, and Orli and I are lucky enough to have him as the closest friend imaginable. That experience and regret also prepared me in a way for Shy to enter our lives.
It was love at first sight for me. How could it not be? He looks exactly like my husband. And that was the problem. I was convinced that the only reason I was attracted to him was because of the physical similarity. He even told me that he suspected that was the only reason I was interested in him. The truth was, though, that the same way Orlando fell for him almost immediately, the same thing had happened to me. The more I knew him, the more I knew that he was just as beautiful on the inside as he was on the outside. God, I hate being trite, but it's true. The difference was that I had to win his love whereas Orli merely had to show up. That's how it felt at the time. No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough, and just when I was ready to give up on ever having my feelings returned, they were. It was magnificent for literally one day. Shy was abducted the next day and that changed everything.
I have to work through a lot of issues with this. There are days it feels as if everything's back to square one because of Shy's abduction, then there are days when I feel as if we're this close to being the way we were before all hell broke loose. There were days when I was sure I could make myself hate him and demand that Orlando give him up because it was killing me to be left out in the cold with seemingly no consideration from the man who'd taken my name only to turn around and give his name to someone else. I had plenty of moments when I thought of asking for a divorce so the two of them could go play house and I could attempt to regain some self-respect and self-worth and maybe find someone who would be happy to love me and only me. It wasn't until I realized that the entire time the three of us had been together, I had always held a little something back because I was afraid of letting go of my undying devotion to Orlando. It never occurred to me that I could add a devotion to my life rather than giving up anything. I am doing exactly what Orlando is doing and there's nothing wrong with it. Had our roles been reversed, I would have made the same choices that Orlando did.
So, that's where I am, now. I've accepted the truth that I can love both of these men despite the fact that I swore I didn't have it in me. And I have faith that things are going to work out all right in the end. I have to. I'm not ready to give up either of them.