Will Porter (will_porter) wrote,
Will Porter
will_porter

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Private Entry

I need to stop thinking. I wish it could be as easy as me telling myself to shut off my brain and surrender to complete ignorance about absolutely everything. For now, I'm relying on my old standby to get me good and properly wasted so I can actually get some sleep every night. Legolas is staying with me, but I don't drink in front of him. I keep the bottles in my room, close the door and drink until I pass out. It's not perfect but it's working. I want to get this down before I get drunk, though. I want this to make some sort of sense when I look back at it later.

It's been almost a month since we got Shy back, almost a month since Kevin was stopped once and for all. I've been living on the mainland for almost all of that time and trying my best to be patient with Shy's desire to have me out of the house. I've tried talking to him and writing to him, but he's holding fast to the bullshit Kevin fed him about me wanting him gone. It's devastating that he could think that. And I feel so selfish for feeling sorry for myself when he's going through so much. But how the hell could he think I would ever do that to him? I don't care what someone did to me, I'd never believe them if they told me Orlando was responsible. Maybe Shy never wanted to believe I really love him and that's why it was so easy for Kevin to convince him I could hate him enough to see him hurt. I want him to get better. I want to go home. I miss living with my husband. God forgive me but there are days I wish Shy had never entered our lives. And that makes me feel incredibly guilty and angry. How could I think that about our sweet boy? It's not even true. I can't even imagine life without both him and Orli in it. And I know that none of this is his fault. But if I'm feeling like this after only a month, what am I going to do in six months, twelve months, more?

Please don't let it be like this forever. I don't think I'd be able to take it. Thank god Orli visits. But it's not the same. I want to go to sleep with him at night and wake up with him in the morning. I want to make him breakfast and watch him eat it and smile because he does that whether or not it's any good. I want to reach out in the middle of the night and feel him right there with me. I miss the smell and the heat of him, the sound of his breathing, the way he snuggles closer to me when he's cold. I miss chatting with him when I'm making dinner and he's sitting at the table keeping me company. I see him regularly, but I miss the hell out of him. I can't stand it.

Jesus, I miss Shy, too. We were finally in a perfect place with each other, able to tell the other 'I love you' and mean it as much as when we say it to Orlando. Oh, sweetheart... Please come back to me. Please don't give up on us. Yeah, that's going to do me a whole lot of good. He can't hear me. Even if I was face to face with him, he wouldn't hear me. He's completely shut me out and it hurts more than I ever imagined it could. How can I attempt to help him when he says the best way to do that is to stay away from him? I'm going to take Snake's advice and keep trying to make contact so he knows I'm thinking about him.

Oh god. Snake's wedding. I'm cutting it close if I'm going to go but I don't have the heart to leave. What if when I'm gone Shy decides he wants to see me? I'm torn between celebrating with my friend and keeping this vigil. I need to make a decision soon. And I need a drink.

You know what? I'm such an asshole for even thinking about myself at a time like this. But it's what I do, isn't it? Maybe Talia was right about me. I'm a self-centered piece of shit who always puts himself first. Look at what I did to her. Look at what I did to Pete. What about what I did to Kevin? If I hadn't been such a selfish prick, he wouldn't have gotten so upset and we would have been able to part ways as friends. And now he's dead. In a week, he would have been 29 and now he's dead. Why is it that when I think about him nowadays I can't think of anything but when we first got together? I saw Orlando kill him, but it's almost as if that wasn't Kevin. It wasn't my Kevin. The ugly, angry man he became was not the man I fell for. If he'd never changed, I would still be with him. I wouldn't have wanted to stray or leave him for another man. He wouldn't be dead and I wouldn't be shut out of my own fucking life. I'm not regretting the death of a monster. I know that it was the only way to stop him. I'm regretting the death of that sweet guy who bought me a puppy, who would visit his disabled sister and take her presents, who would surprise me at work with lunch and then whisk me off for a romantic weekend getaway. I wish I knew what made him turn into that darker version of himself. There's no doubt in my mind that getting out of that relationship was the right thing to do. He was controlling and abusive towards the end. It was a bad situation that had nowhere to do but down. I know that. But I don't know if I'll ever be able to let go of the man who made me fall in love with him. I wish I could.

Damn it. I don't want to get drunk tonight. And I can't sleep. Maybe Legolas'll feel like a chat.
Tags: kevin, legolas, orlando, private, shy, snake
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